Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by Terry

Terry: Don't make me crush your ego. [link]
Terry: There's a new API for Windows: Active Blue Screen. [link]
D'Agosta: Download your Active BS now!  
Terry: rm -rf /brain/databases [link]
Terry: Alternate description of TCP three-way handshake:
Client: What's up, B?
Server: Watchin' the game, havin' a Bud.
Client: 1, 1.
Terry: You don't want to sound like a whiny bitch. [link]
Matt: But I *aaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm!*  
Terry: He's almost like a bitch - he has a shoe for every occasion. [link]
Terry: It's mindblowing to think how hard he's going to fuck us. [link]
Kevin S.: Yeah. I think I'll wear my prom dress just to get in the mood. Maybe shave my legs.  
Terry: Every time I blow my nose it's a rainbow of fruit flavors. [link]
Devina: I can't sleep without you, Terry. [link]
Terry: You can't sleep *with* me, either.  
Terry: Brian, I'm truly sorry you have no penis, but taking it out on us just isn't right. [link]
Terry: I'm going to hit that shit, do my thing, and go home. [link]
Dwyer: These cinnamon balls are really good. [link]
Terry: I wonder how many milliliters they are  
Dwyer: (Barely contained snickering)  
Sean and Jeremy: (Blissful ignorance)  
Terry: Jeremy REALLY has the money shot going on. The rest of us are just tossing spare change. [link]
Dwyer: Playin' tiddlywinks with pennies.  
Terry: Jeremy, you wanna catch the movie with us? [link]
Jeremy J.: No thanks. A friend picked up tickets to the theater, so I'm going to that.  
Terry: ...Yeah, *you're* straight.  
Aiello: This is -- FUCK! [link]
Terry: ...Yeah, that's Dan announcing that it's a fuck, since he's so small the girls don't actually have a chance of, you know, FEELING IT.  
Brad: God DAMN it! Another null pointer. It seems like everything in my fucking LIFE is null these days. [link]
Terry: Great, now your sex life doesn't feel so lonely!  
Terry: I was too busy feeling my bowels loosening to point out algebra errors. [link]
Terry: Big-O notation? More like Bend-O(ver). [link]
Terry: I just stood up and my knee sounded like it was trying to audition for a Rice Krispies commercial. [link]
Terry: The CS 503 midterm was a smart bomb targeted for my rectum. [link]
Terry: There's nothing better than making a God-lover hum on your cock. [link]
Terry: The definition of a successful college experience is a statutory rape charge. [link]
Aiello: I think I'd use four ARP tables. [link]
Terry: And a knapsack, 'cause we both know they can solve any problem.  
Terry: Dan got it up, then he went down, and now he's busy grabbing backends. The party never stops in this office! [link]
Aiello: We've done an amazingly good job of monopolizing these backends today. [link]
Terry: You know, no backend is safe when we're in town.  
Aiello: Does "less" do regular expressions? [link]
Terry: Does my cock tie itself in knots?


...That doesn't really answer your question, does it?
Terry: You're more rock than cock. [link]
Terry: Nothing says love quite as well as dying of hypothermia together. [link]
Terry: God's useful -- you can blame bad test scores on him. [link]
Terry: I just found a new definition of pure *genius*: marketing paint thinner as chardonnay. [link]
Terry: Enjoy that Poly diploma, if/when it happens. [link]
Gnat: I just might take up smoking just to see it burn.  
Terry: But you slept with him, so that's not surprising. [link]
Brad: He's black, I wouldn't have hit that.  
Terry: Somehow I have trouble imagining the changes necessary to turn South Central LA into a den of philosophers. [link]
Brad: My signature has a heart in it; chicks dig it. [link]
Terry: ...How misleading.  
Terry: We should tell the incoming 180 TAs not to worry about getting attached to their students, since they'll be seeing so many of them again in the spring. [link]
Terry: Alright, everyone, say Oedipus on three! [link]
Terry: FUUCK. You moved the computer, you shitbag. [link]
Terry: Oh, man, I got so drunk last night. [link]
Brad: Well, you said that Evie became dead to you last night. ...So it was sort of her wake.  
Terry: Well, that and you're busy trying to break up a Fankhauser marriage. [link]
Anne: We all need hobbies.  
Terry: So, Devina, it's *your* fault the cute student nurse had to stick her finger up my ass. Thanks. Seriously, thanks. [link]
Terry: I wonder what the derivative of an assrape really is?

I'll be finding out tonight.
Terry: Yeah, that's really what this world needs to be 'interesting': more deranged people with weapons and the will to use them. [link]
Terry: Let's do a little proactive crucifying here..... [link]
Terry: Close your eyes, click your heels, and boom! ...You're a postdoc. [link]
Terry: Wow, Devina, we're turning your dating life into a Choose Your Own Adventure story. [link]
Terry: When I think of reflection, I think of Christian, and that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


Devina: But I think that marriage should be forever. [link]
Terry: We all think that, and about 50% of us are wrong.  
Terry: SSCP Identity Theft. [link]
Terry: I can hear it now: "Baaa-aaaa-<twitch twitch>-baaa." Mmmm. The sound of true love. [link]
Terry: Can't you do that, distribute the e inside? [link]
Nolandda: No, you can't do that! That's like the Universal Freshman Theorem!  
Terry: The only bad thing about this song is at the very end they throw up a solid wall of noise. [link]
Nolandda: ...But you still listen to techno?  
Terry: [She] was a sexual chameleon. [link]
Terry: They don't give you a certification just for working really hard. [link]
Terry: The Kraut is dating the Tank. They're their own Panzer division! [link]
Terry: That's why it's okay for the US to have WMD -- cause we're *good* and we'll only use it on the *bad* people. [link]
Yost: You misspelled brown.  
Terry: My Simulator is kind of the Fuhrer of my program. [link]
Brad: Nice, the 'Fuhrer Design Pattern.'  
Terry: Well, hopefully this spring break won't be as expensive as last one. [link]
Aiello: Well, it's not like I can miss the car.  
Paul W.: There's a newsgroup for this class? [link]
Terry: ...Yeah, it's right next to the webpage.  
Terry: "Abstraction-Based Intrusion Detection In Distributed Environments"

by X. S. Wang
Terry: % gtar zcvfp proj8.tar.gz [link]
Richard Stallman: gtar: Cowardly refusing to create an empty archive  
Devina: The bun is neither meat nor cheese. [link]
Terry: ...I hate that bun.  
Terry: Don't worry about bringing a screwdriver, HE has EVERYTHING. [link]
Terry: Yeah, I even heard they have my sex life. Too bad I'm not on the ACL.  
Terry: Tell me we're not in love; that'd ruin my fuckin' day. [link]
John Connor: Where are you taking us? [link]
T101 (Arnold): Someplace safe.  
Terry: ...You call the LA freeways SAFE?!?!?!  
Terry: A portion of those failure messages are people who tested to see if we're an open relay. And our system sent them bounce messages which said, "Nice try, thanks for playing. Oh, and by the way, I enjoyed fucking your mom." [link]
Terry: We should just like outlaw the Jews or something. [link]
Nolandda: ...Uh, yeah, I think they tried that once.  
Terry: So how would you classify his mood? [link]
Anne: Panicked.  
Terry: What made you think that?  
Anne: Okay, maybe not panicked. But something close to it. Maybe cautious.  
Terry: I'm glad I'm sitting down so I don't have to see his hog. [link]
Terry: (to Devina) What, too much wood for one night? [link]
Devina: Well, it's not rape really. It's just statutory rape.
Terry: ...And that's better?  
Terry: Brad, you want some veggies? [link]
Brad: NO!  
Yost: Yeah, that's room you could fill with beer.  
Terry: You don't like Pink Floyd? [link]
Brad: No, it's totally gay.  
Terry: Pink Floyd is NOT gay.  
Yost: Only because they didn't know what gay WAS back then.  
Terry: I'm like a gas station for your soul. [link]
Yost: So in Seattle Taco Bell has what they call "Mexi-Nuggets."
Terry: PC Load Letter?  
Yost: I don't know, they're some wetback tater-tot or something.  
Terry: Syslogd doesn't sleep well at night when it's running on a machine I admin. [link]
Nolandda: I have weaknesses that other people don't. [link]
Terry: What, like homosexuality?  
Nolandda: ...I don't consider that a weakness.  
Terry: So, Scott, how was the marijuana? [link]
Yost: It was good, but not $50,000 good.  
Terry: Why on earth would Vitek's wife want to take 180? [link]
Yost: To improve their pillow talk.  
Terry: Devina, I think you're allergic to god. [link]
Terry: C'mon, you're going to be a Pierce. That's like marrying into white trash royalty. [link]
Terry: Teutonic motherfucker. He should be concerning himself with the best way to conquer Poland or something. [link]
Yost: There's a Speaker of the House? [link]
Terry: Yeah.  
Yost: In the House?  
Terry: Yeah, that's usually how it works.  
Terry: Well, there could be a major without any students. [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: That's called Jewish Studies.  
Terry: That would totally strengthen our friendship, joining AA together and all. [link]
Terry: C'mon, man, you set your friend on fire. Your FRIEND! [link]
Nolandda: ..."Friend" is such a strong word.  
Terry: Devina, your dad is the BASF of the defense industry. He doesn't make our nuclear warheads, he makes them better. [link]
Devina: We have to make sure she's talking to you first. [link]
Terry: ...You can't talk with a dick in your mouth.  
Terry: (to Collegiate Communities) In the spirit of community and friendship that your company has helped foster, we feel it is our neighborly duty to inform you that you eat yards of cock. [link]
Yost: I can't believe Meg didn't invite me to her wedding! [link]
Terry: Well, wasn't there something going on between you two at some point?  
Yost: Yeah, but if that was a problem she wouldn't have been able to invite ANYBODY to her wedding.  
Terry: Devina, you're not evil, you just have a flexible moral system. [link]
Terry: By the way, I need a proxy. [link]
Yost: What manner of proxy?  
Terry: You're closer to Chicago. I need you to head up to UIC, grab Dan Bernstein, and take a nice long piss in his mouth for me.  
Yost: Any girl that requires calculus to determine is bad news. [link]
Terry: What's the derivative of Lindsay with respect to X?  
Yost: Exactly. Rates of change and shit.  
Yost: You compile a lot of shitty programs. [link]
Terry: I compile a lot of UNIX programs.

You draw the conclusions, if any.
Terry: The fact she's so cool with that beer dispenser is an indication of what a cool girlfriend she is. [link]
Mom: Or what an idiot she is.  
Terry: You have to be an idiot to be a good girlfriend.  
Terry: Did you see the Colorado-Detroit game yesterday? [link]
Brad: Yep. Watched it in the strip club.

Strippers were trying to talk to me, and I was like "Huh? Yeah, you're great. I love you. Aebischer WHAT THE FUCK!"
Terry: I'm not so much lying in the wet spot as much as I *am* the wet spot. [link]
Brad: [Avril] actually appears in glasses in the liner notes for her album. [link]
Terry: I've never actually felt sorry for an album cover before this moment....  
Terry: Uhm, maybe you misunderstand: grad school was pretty much 2.5 years solid of people pounding me in the rectum with phat cocks while yelling, "GOD YOU'RE DUMB!" in my ear. [link]
Yost: What does that do to you, if you fuck Death? [link]
Terry: ...Can you imagine his jizz?  
Yost: I bet it would give you a yeast infection.  
Terry: I think we've found his weak spot [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: ...The net?  
Terry: I think we're going to do well in hell. You know, get some positions with responsibility, maybe. [link]
Eric B.: Yeah. Grand Dragons or something.  
Brad: You left out the fact that they were pounding your ass with the fat end of a baseball bat, though. [link]
Terry: Fat cocks are in the same equivalence partition as baseball bats (in my book).  
Brad: But you can't dip fat cocks in epoxy and broken glass.  
Terry: You're on fire. The gay kind of flaming, to be sure, but it's fire nonetheless. [link]
Brad: Hey, fire is fire.  
Terry: Speaking of das Cactus, I'm out this Friday but maybe the following one?

Oh wait, that might actually require you to, you know, plan ahead. My bad.
Yost: I can plan ahead for you to eat my balls.  
Terry: She has trouble with eye contact, and I find that so completely fetching. [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: (Pause)

...I have trouble with eye contact.
Terry: After not eating ALL day, a large load of fairly spicy Chinese food is going to cause my guts to go on strike. [link]
Nolandda: "Strike" is such a ... passive way to describe what they're really going to do.  
Yost: Who gets their undies twisted over a 9/10? [link]
Terry: Fox would have.  
Yost: Fox would have earned himself a frosty glass of fucked in the mouth. Or maybe a pitcher.  
Terry: Thank god for Sonoma-Cutrer. Well, that is until you buy their "Russian River Appelation," which is $40 and strangely similar to a certain Columbia Crest product. [link]
Terry: If the calendar starts shows 2006 and we haven't yet snorted cocaine off the thighs of Vegas hookers you will be dead to me. You have been warned. [link]
Josh: ...So he put his shit in the sink-- [link]
Terry: --Wait. Did he actually put feces in the sink? At this point, I'm not ready to rule anything out.  
Terry: The thing I'm most proud of at the Halloween party is that not only did I grab Lita's ass, I went back for seconds. [link]
Terry: Try not to dehydrate yourself with orgasms. [link]
Brad: There are plenty where that came from. It's like a Gatling Cock.  
Eric B.: How do you get a 64-bit integer in C? Is it "long long"? [link]
Terry: Yeah, I think so. GCC can't handle "long long long," so if anything's going to do it it's "long long."  
Eric B.: That's good, because my dick's the only thing that's "long long long."  
Devina: ...And you're being snappish. --Wait, is "snappish" even a word? [link]
Terry: No, it's not a word, it's an adjective.  
Devina: So adjectives aren't words?  
Terry: Especially when you're talking about someone that does not, has never, and will never exist. [link]
Sally: ...I wasn't talking about God.  
Terry: This has me feeling all "Mountain Dew-y." [link]
Joe: (Uncomfortable pause)

(Abruptly changes topic)
Terry: I know it's Scott Brosius, but still. You wouldn't let him impregnate you, would you? [link]
Devina: If he'd be willing to marry me, I'd let him run a litter through me.  
Terry: I have this overwhelming urge to fellate my lunch. [link]
Terry: How was your meeting? [link]
Joe: It was good. There was a lot of talking.  
Terry: [She] was all, "Man, there comes a point where above a certain level of horniness, the only thing that will satisfy me is anal sex." [link]
Yost: Neat. I have never heard a girl say that. I can't believe they could give me a diploma knowing I had never heard a girl say that.  
Terry: Dude, margaritas are girl drinks. [link]
Eric B.: Oh, whatever. They've got a ton of tequila in them. Even if they called them "Pink Fluffy Drinks, For Pussies Only" I'd drink them.  
Terry: If you have three, it makes for better DP.

That's like a haiku from hell.

Wow. That'd be a good album name: "Haiku From Hell."
Craig T.: I don't remember that shot. [link]
Terry: ...Neither did Kennedy.  
Terry: That sucks when you're sitting on the toilet feeling like Mr. Coffee. [link]
Terry: I think it's a combination of lung butter and iced latte.

Breakfast of champions right thar.
Terry: I'll be the hungry one. [link]
Lita: I'll be the tired one.  
Terry: Now we just need an angry one and a lonely one and we'll have quite the making for an AA meeting.  
Terry: My ass is an intergalactic rest stop. [link]
Terry: I think you need a shot in the mouth, a little espresso. [link]
Joe: You're an espresso machine now? I'll take a tall Cafe Terry.

...Oh wait, they don't MAKE those.
Terry: Did you hear that EB is considering going in drag to Saturday's party? Oh god the irony. Talk about hiding in plain sight. [link]
Ian D.: You voted? Did you vote in Indiana? [link]
Terry: Yes, I voted in Indiana. I'm a resident and everything.  
Ian D.: You must love that. Your vote ALMOST counted in this state.  
David L.: And if you need to, you can send me in as counterintelligence. [link]
Terry: That's so true on so many levels.  
Eric B.: Your mom was good last night. [link]
Terry: Well, that's good to hear. She was really amped up about it. I heard she was doing stretching exercises and stuff yesterday morning to get ready for it.  
Eric B.: Well, it sure paid off; I was able to get my entire head up there. Simulating birth or something.

...Now we're brothers!
Terry: Did you see the quote where Yost claimed I needed a Dead Bitches Storage Facility?

...I wonder if we could use Yucca Mountain.
Brad: There are very few things better than a dead bitch. One thing that is better is a dead bitch that GLOWS.  
Terry: Lita isn't a girly-girl very often, so seeing her doing the female bonding thing is very, very weird. [link]
Joe: I gave her a baby and it was all over.


Well, I didn't _give_ her a baby, but...
Eric D.: Today is my daughter's first confession. [link]
Terry: Wow, that's gotta be a little scary.  
Eric D.: Not for me; I'm an agnostic Catholic.  
Terry: I'm just trying to figure out what my life would be like if I was making almost 6 times what I am now and my housing was paid for. [link]
Yost: Ale and whores, every day.

Ale, whores, and hockey.
Terry: Maybe if we shuffled the order around I'd agree.

Because whores should never come second to anything. At least not the whores I buy.
Terry: So does anyone know how the Dow did today? [link]
Joe: It dropped like your father's pants.  
Mehlberg: Was it knee level or shin level?  
Terry: I managed to swallow that one down.  
Nolandda: ...Like so many before.  
Mehlberg: You gotta think before you open that mouth.  
Terry: They're just snowballing on me now.  
Terry: These Air Force guys? Asshats. Fucking asshats. They don't have a ticket to get on the bus that goes by the neighborhood of the fucking ballpark.

(Credit to Cal Poly professor Tal Scriven for most of that quote)
Terry: Wait, the DJ is a girl? Damn that's hot. I want to do a chick that makes techno music. [link]
Terry: Actually, this trip to Vegas was with a blind date. [link]
Wanke: I bet you could buy a blind one in Vegas.  
Terry: Sorkin's writing kills me. I wonder what he's working on now? Other than his Narcotics Anonymous homework, that is. [link]
Terry: David seemed to think that Verilog really sucked and that we should hire anyone who was really good at it. [link]
Jim V.: Well, it definitely sucks, but I think that might be the end of my agreement with David.  
Terry: We have talked about how your fruity red drink is really gay, like E.B. gay. [link]
Griffin: No, we haven't.  
Nolandda: Perhaps we should talk about it now.  
Terry: You in for dinner tomorrow night? [link]
Nolandda: Yes, but I'm not in for the Cactus.  
Terry: That's fine, because Chris IS in for the Cactus. So if I can combine the two of you, I'll have the best night ever.

(The room starts laughing)

...Damn it.
Terry: (to Joe) That right there? That was a Catholic joke. [link]
David L.: (to Joe) Oh, you're supposed to be Catholic too?  
Terry: I love being a Nazi! [link]
Terry: (responding to Joe Abbey's suggestion to hit David Lin) I don't think that would work out very well for me. [link]
Joe: Yeah, you'd make a billion enemies.  
Lita: I don't need alone time with Woodfin. [link]
Terry: I can hear his cold, dead heart breaking from here.  
Terry: Yeah, well, it's too bad I'm not a member of a respectable religion, one that has glory days such as, oh I don't know, the Inquisition...? [link]
Joe: Ah Crusades.... They looked good on paper.  
Terry: BTW, by that going rate you owe me about $50,000 or so.


Multiplier is broken. $5,000 or so.
Brad: So that's how you get away with telling girls your dick is so big. Your multiplier is broken.  
Joe: That's what you should do. On the first date, you should take the girl to Wendy's and order off the $0.99 menu. [link]
Terry: Man, Wendy's is pretty good for a first date, but even better than that is Taco Bell. Bitches *love* the Taco Bell.  
(Name Withheld): You know what we should do next? [link]
Terry: Your mom.  
(Name Withheld): No, we should actually do [work stuff].  
Terry: ...Your mom would be more enjoyable though.  
(Name Withheld): She's gone through menopause; she's really dry.  
Terry: PRAISE JESUS! [link]
Joe: Blasphemy!  
Terry: <blink> <blink> "Praise Jesus" is blasphemy?  
Joe: It is when you say it.  
Terry: Lita doesn't like garlic.

--Err, Amy. I've gotta get used to that.
Yost: Excuse me? She switched names again?  
Terry: Yes.  
Yost: Did her crazy hat get too tight?  
Terry: Chrystal's a phlebotomist. [link]
Yost: She draws blood?  
Terry: Yes.  
Yost: ...Which leads right to the marriage jokes.  
Terry: It's gotta be a good conversation when I'm talking about knives, dead babies and erections. [link]
Brad: What are we doing for dinner tonight? [link]
Terry: I thought that we might barbeque your mom.  
Brad: Well, there would be a lot of tar involved; she has been smoking a pack and a half a day for years now.  
Terry: Wow is that a catchy little backbeat. [link]
Yost: A little creepy though.  
Terry: I just meant the little zylophone part, not the part where the children of the corn are telling me they're coming to get me.  
Yost: I don't usually order my techno with scary children in it.  
Yost: Whoever invented Prilosec, I would like to buy them a beer. [link]
Terry: I think they'd consider you drinking a beer counterproductive to their product.

"Whoever created the condom, I'd like to thank them by having unprotected sex with their daughter."
Terry: I have pictures of her, actually. [link]
Brad: Are they aerial?  
Brad: You should get some of those kneepads like people that lay carpet wear. [link]
Terry: Well, I lay more pipe than carpet, so....  
Brad: For the record, it's not called "laying pipe" when the pipe is inside you.
Terry: Yeah, it's ten so it's almost quiet time here. [link]
Elaine: <Indignant voice> "Quiet time"? What the FUCK is that?  
Brad: You're socialist clown. [link]
Terry: That almost English.  
Jared: What should I name my character? [link]
Terry: How about "Jorge?"  
Jared: "Jorge?" But my character's a human.  
Terry: Jorge is a human name.  
Jared: My character's human, not Mexican.  
Eric B.: What's with the Bed, Bath & Beyond flier in the bathroom? [link]
Terry: You know, it's hard to take that shit from you, E.B.  
Brad: Look at your shoes, dude. They've got fucking BUCKLES on them. It's like gay velcro.  
Terry: I think the Thai food wants a second round at my toilet bowl.

I just had a 10-second-long assgurgle.
Terry: What kind of beans do you put in my mom? [link]
Brad: I call them "gametes."  
Terry: I was trying to think of something other than "passenger train" cause the passenger train of assfucking is so cliche. Everyone's using that phrase these days. [link]
Yost: You don't want to be using the same sodomy metaphor that everyone else does.

Your sodomy should really stand out.
Terry: Dude, you go to the *grocery store* to see hot chicks. [link]
Brad: That's more of a sperm of the moment thing though.  
Terry: Man does [this] have high fucked potential attached to it. [link]
Yost: It's too bad there's not a handheld meter for that.

Like a voltmeter.
Terry: Dude, your poor Willowbrook porch. Didn't you piss off it once? [link]
Yost: At least once. Actually, way more than once.

You haven't lived until you've pissed three stories.
Terry: Fucking kosher motherfuckers. [link]
David L.: It's no wonder they had no historical homeland.  
Terry: I would like to find the core developer at Sleepycat software for BDB and skullfuck them to death. [link]
Yost: Can you skullfuck someone but not to death?  
Terry: Did you hear that Kristen is pregnant again? Is there a traditional gift you're supposed to give a new dad? A thing of wine or something? [link]
Eric B.: We should buy him a condom.  
Terry: The difference between Butler University and Nevada is that in Nevada you have to pay for your whores. [link]
Terry: Do you not like the look of the Audi TT? Could meet your needs. [link]
Brad: It's girly.  
Terry: This from a guy who is proud he owned a Miata. Jesus.  
Alexandra: Who would win in a fight between you and Woodfin? [link]
Terry: Ooh, that's tough. I think it'd depend on who got the first shot in. He doesn't have much upper-body strength, so I think if I could get him on the ground and manage to stay on top, I think I could just stay there and pound him mercilessly for hours.


That sounds really sexual.
Terry: Man, if the massive wall of medicines, vitamins, etc. doesn't do anything by tomorrow I'm contacting the CDC.

"Hi, yeah, I think I have Ebola. Is this the right number to call?"

See if that provokes a response.
Joe: I'm surprised they let you play reindeer games. [link]
Terry: My training in sheep games went well enough they let me upgrade to reindeer.  
Brad: So the doctor's pressing on my prostate and I'm like, "What are you doing, checking for my serial number by feel?" [link]
Terry: Dude, he was looking for your VIN.  
Brad: That's not where it's hidden.  
Terry: Is he taking down the Internet in SF, or the entire Internet? [link]
Brad: Heh. I think he's taking down the entire Internet.  
Terry: Someone should warn Spaf. That's going to cost us like a million-billion SpafBucks in lost productivity.  
Brad: Yeah, he's going to need a 64-bit machine to figure out how much it cost us.  
Terry: So now the Bay Area and Austin are both clear of dead bitches.

I'm like a ghostbuster.
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: I think I need to start going to church or something. [link]
Terry: God thinks so too.  
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: Yeah. And, more vocally, my mother.  
Terry: Yeah, but the hell she can put you through is significantly shorter in duration.

By about an infinity.
Terry: [Alex] was wondering if a squirrel actually caused the accident where I got windshield in your nuts.

I said, "Yeah, ask Scott; he was all depressed so I took him for a ride."
Yost: It's true.

I got my self-destruction on.
Terry: "...Caused the accident where I got windshield in your nuts."

Wonder how many people other than you I'll be able to say that about in my life.
Yost: It's a rare occasion when you can put something in another man's nuts and remain friends.  
Terry: And you sure seem like you don't want to unpack today. [link]
(Name Withheld): I don't really want to do much of anything today except take a dump.  
Brad: Are you taking a handgun on your trip to Texas? [link]
Terry: Uhhh, no. Why?  
Nolandda: I think it's the law.  
Alexandra: I hate having to read books for eight hours. [link]
Terry: That's what you want to hear from a soon-to-be graduate student in English.  
Terry: I'm like, "Baby, that's great, but if your dog craps in the car I'm killing him. And then throwing the poo at you." [link]
Yost: Do that. Chicks love fecal hijinks.  
Terry: I do believe that's the first time I've seen the phrase "anal sacs" in print. [link]
Terry: That's a block of carbalicious goodness. [link]
Terry: Don't be self-conscious, babe. Just keep your face and rack out of the water at all times. Those are your best assets. [link]
David L.: Yeah, I'm ordering the splashguards and mudflaps for my new car. [link]
Terry: Oh, splashguards. You mean eyeglasses.  
Jeff: ...I'm afraid to find out what mudflaps are.  
Terry: Is $5 going to be enough to cover your half of all the ingredients for burritos?

Oh wait, nevermind. If Mexicans are eating them all the time, they can't be too expensive, now can they?
Terry: Brad, you could have the Walkabout Soup. [link]
Brad: I dunno, does it have stingray in it?  
Terry: (To the Mehlberg's dog who was sniffing his crotch) Hey, buddy! You can't do that! I require written authorization before I let people go there. [link]
Elaine: Written authorization!?!?! Why?  
Terry: ...'Cause it's a deadly weapon and I want people to understand what they're getting into first.  
Kristen: Deadly how? Deadly because of diseases...?  
Terry: Did you hear about my new dating plan? I'm moving to south Texas. Then the girls I date will have nowhere to run anymore. [link]
Yost: Cornering the market, so to speak.  
Terry: The world needs more women like Liz. [link]
Brad: Can she dislocate her hips, too?  
Terry: Either she's criminally retarded or she's hitting on me. [link]
Brad: You phrased that as an either-or. It could very well be both.

Actually, in your case, the first is a requirement for the second.
(Name Withheld): Well, I could nigger-rig it, but it might never work again. [link]
Terry: What, were you going to use epoxy?  
(Name Withheld): Well, yeah, I said "nigger-rig," and niggers love glue.  
Brad: I've laid a couple of football fields' worth of cock in your mom. [link]
Terry: What, is this your own personal run to the Superbowl?  
Brad: Indeed. My record is 14-1. There was a poopy incident. My only loss, sadly.

Let's just say that your mom sometimes plays for the Cleveland Browns.
Terry: Let me guess: the field was a bit muddy?  
Terry: I didn't go to grad school for fun. [link]
Yost: You went for the sodomy.

Go for the learning, stay for the raping.
Amy: You take such good care of me. [link]
Terry: Yeah, and when I can't provide for your emotionally or intellectually, I can always buy you shit.  
Terry: (After seeing Eric D. walking into our office) Officer on deck! [link]
Rob K.: What, do you want us to stand up and salute?  
Terry: I don't know about you, but I'm already salutin'.  
Adam H.: <Several seconds of horrified/nauseated sounds>

I hurt inside.
Yost: If [they] send you to Austin, I will die laughing.

And then you will die, because nobody enters Austin alive.
Terry: I disagree. They enter alive, it just has an airborne virus that kills crazy bitches. I've gone there twice and had no ill effects.  
Yost: Crazy bitches come in, but they don't come out. It's like a crazy bitch roach motel.  
Terry: Man, Mike D. totally got his wife pregnant. [link]
Brad: How'd that happen? I thought he ejaculated bong resin.  
Terry: While it was significant, [that] was not the most expensive part of our relationship. [link]
Brad: Antibiotics?  
Alexa: Why do they call it "Deadliest Catch?" [link]
Terry: Because crab fishing is the world's deadliest job. You can make like $75,000 in a weekend because it's really dangerous. Last season three or four people died.  
Alexa: ...They died? Did the crabs kill them?  
Terry: Fuck. I'm retarded. #1 on my cell phone's speed dial should be set to the Special Olympics. When I dial 911 it should redirect to them. [link]
The Reverend Aaron Lehmann: (responding to an email from Terry announcing a weekend of socializing, even though he lives in Virginia) I'd love to come, Terry, but that 14 hour commute is a killer. :-) [link]
Terry: The question isn't how far, the question is do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as necessary?  
Terry: What day did you say you wanted to do the whiteboard-hangin' party? Cause there's no party like a hangin' party. You can call us Terry D and the Lynch Mob. [link]
Brad: How did the [spicy vodka tomato cream] sauce turn out? [link]
Terry: Really, really tasty. But it's unbelievably heavy. I haven't feel this bloated after a meal in some time. You need to watch your portion sizes with this dish.  
Brad: Wow, how much of it did you eat?  
Terry: I'll show you a picture of it once I'm done with it.  
Brad: If you take a picture of your next dump and send it to me, I'm going to shit on your desk.  
Terry: ...So, granted, by this point in the evening I'm fairly altered. But try as I may, I can't catch up to Pat. He was really downing them. He was on the MAGLEV train to fuckedupedness. [link]
Yost: That's probably the first time I've heard an alcohol metaphor using electromagnets.  
Terry: You know what you need? Stirfry. [link]
Jeff: That *will* clean me out to a point where the wind whistles as it passes through me.  
Terry: So I'm hosting a stir fry night tonight. [link]
Yost: I do miss some Terry stir-fry.


I recall some miserable fucking mornings trying to hold my bowels in during database class.
Dulaney: You bought a new car? [link]
Terry: Yeah, it's parked out front, you can see it out the window.  
Dulaney: ...You bought a BUICK?!?!?!?  
Terry: You're using your wickedly-sharp pocketknife to pick up fruit? Let's play spot the Boy Scout. [link]
Rob K.: I've got my hands and pocketknife, who needs utensils?  
Joe: I don't think they teach you to stab fruit in the Boy Scouts.

Amy: Honey, if we get engaged, I get an engagement ring. What do you get? [link]
Terry: Laid.  
Terry: I can promise you that I'll never, ever take you to Ryan's Steakhouse. We're not old enough to go there. [link]
Amy: They card there, but it's an AARP card.  
Terry: Just 'cause it's statutory doesn't make it rape.

Brad: (to Liz) Well, honey, if you're going to cuckold me, I at least want to profit from it. [link]
Terry: You know, you could be more proactive in this; you could pimp her out.  
Brad: I don't want her to think she's *worth* anything.  
Terry: McDonald's breakfast is pretty good, no question. I was talking to Amy though, and she was saying when it gets really stressful at her office the guy who owns the place walks around and hands out $50 bills.

...Did you hear that Mike?
Mike M.: In this case, McDonald's breakfast will have to do.

And if it doesn't, I hope you choke to death on it.
Terry: Well, you went to grad school. Grad school means you're old. [link]
Lint: No, grad school means you have no future. It doesn't matter how old you are when you don't have a future.  
Terry: I don't hate god... I just don't *believe* in him. [link]
Terry: I can't imagine any job worse than being a high school teacher. [link]
Brad: I'd do it, but only for the chicks.  
Terry: You should teach elementary school, Brad. That way you're less likely of the girl turning up pregnant.  
Terry: Oooh, look at that guy, he's getting up pretty slow. He's not feeling very good. [link]
Nikki: Oh, c'mon, he just got hit in the balls. He'll be fine.  
Terry: Noland was saying that he was here one night at like 3am and from (the offices that do cancer research next door) he heard a mighty stream of profanity at high volume. [link]
Lint: You'd be pissed if you had cancer too!  
Brad: Ehh, I'm so far from even commenting on [that] that I can't even . . . shit . . . this whole thing kind of fell apart on me. [link]
Terry: This aborted sentence brought to you by the letter "J."  
Brad: Yeah, that sentence slipped into the abort-o-tron.  
Terry: If only Jamie Lynn Spears had been so lucky.  
Terry: I'll have to check with Amy first. I pretty much am her bitch. [link]
Chris H.: That's not surprising. You do have several of the "able to be made a bitch" qualities.  
Terry: Including a mouth like a silk purse, but you knew that from experience.  
Chris H.: You were my third best bitch of all last year, not bad for a rookie.

I just loved how the chin fit like a puzzle piece.
Brad: What, you got scales on your jimminy cricket? [link]
Terry: And gills. It totally freaks the ladies out.

Cock-breathing. I can see that as an evolutionary step.

Maybe I'm an X-Man.
Terry: Mehlberg's kid appears to have a penis. I guess it's going to be a boy. [link]
Lint: That's good; at least it will be worth something.  
Terry: Nice attempt at English there, Brad. [link]
Brad: Yeah, I was having trouble kicking the words out the word hole.  
Terry: I figured you might want [vanity domain] to live in a nice, clean, upper-class internet neighborhood instead of a bullshit hostname attached to a ghetto-fabulous Charter cable modem IP in the internet equivalent of Compton. But, hey, no accounting for taste. [link]
Terry: Did you see that? What was that bright thing moving outside in our back yard? [link]
Amy: It's probably a radioactive squirrel or something.  
Terry: ...Amy, be honest: was that actually the first thought that sprung to your mind?  
Terry: You know you ate too much when you're winded just from eating dinner. [link]
Scott C.: Sometimes I just need to bark. [link]
Terry: As long as she still wants the bone when you're done barking, it's all foreplay.  
Terry: Dr. Bernstein has inspired me to create a new verb: "bottlefuck." By the time I'm done bottlefucking him, he'l have a full wine bottle worth of glass shards as far up his digestive track as I can manage with the help of the end of a baseball bat. The show's not over until he's managed to purge himself of all the glass or he bleeds to death from his shredded sphincter; both outcomes would be equally and entirely pleasing. [link]
Terry: Yeah, that fry is cooked. Golden brown and crispy on the outside, yet still tender on the inside. ...Kinda like my liver. [link]
Terry: What, the door isn't going to shut itself? It's Easter day, can't it miracle itself shut? [link]
Terry: If the word "Auburn" is found within the first eight words of a sentence, it's a law that the word "drunk" has to be found within the first fourteen words. [link]
Terry: [His] whole line of questioning was kind of like a geological dig through horror; it had many distinct strata of horrifying sandwiched together over time. [link]
Terry: It was interesting to see a picture of her. I hadn't seen her since we were both thirteen. It was good to see she was still hot. Not thirteen-hot, but still hot. [link]
Terry: It's too bad there aren't life system restore points. [That] would have been a good occasion to dump state on persistant storage and explore a bit, knowing I could revert at any point.

I wish life was more like a modern operating system.
Liz: I am special and unique like a snowflake. [link]
Terry: ...Keep thinking that. Self-delusion is encouraged for anyone dating Brad.

It's like a survival mechanism.
Amy: My sister found boxes and boxes full of abandoned Cabbage Patch Dolls. It looked like an orphanage. [link]
Terry: I'm calling Child Protective Services.  
Amy: What the hell is that guy wearing? It looks like a muumuu. [link]
Terry: It's a man-muu.  
(Name Withheld): I saw that the lottery jackpot is up over $100 million again. Gotta keep in mind though, if you take it as a lump sum you get like $50 million and then after taxes that's like $30 million. [link]
Terry: And if you keep talking about divorce, you'll lose half of that thirty.  
(Name Withheld): That's not a loss; that's winning the lottery for the second time.  
Terry: I'm guess I'm glad they didn't crap on my day for no good goddamn reason.

I can take some amount of getting-crapped-upon as long as there is, in my opinion, a good goddamn reason.

In that case, bring on the feces.
Terry: I'm comfortable with where I am on the 2D graph of compensation versus amount of bullshit you have to put up with. Seems like as pay increases linearly, your bullshit tolerance has to increase exponentially. [link]
Terry: Now I need to switch mental gears from vomit-covered shirts to network protocol interface control documents.

I hope my mental clutch is up to the task.
Terry: [He] is a god-damned poster child for why inbreeding is a bad idea. He serves as a warning to those who covet their cousins. [link]
Terry: That was one of the least-fun mental exercises I've done since I left Purdue.

I hope that the smoke from my brain burn doesn't set off the fire alarms. That'd be embarassing.
Terry: Headset is on, VOIP like you've never VOIP'ed before.

...Is it just me, or is VOIP just inherently dirty when used as a verb?
Joe R: I don't see why I'd need sensitivity training. My alter ego in Rock Band is a black man. [link]
Terry: Nice, you've got a brother inside you.


Wait, are we talking about Rock Band or your time in prison?
(Name Withheld): I think that "Beat A Bitch With A Bat Day" is going to continue into tomorrow. [link]
Terry: Hell, you should celebrate the start of summer like the Discovery Channel does with sharks: make a week out of it.  
Brad: Stygian mass falls
Tranquil waters now disturbed
Brown mountain stands proud
Terry: Please tell me that's not an original haiku about poop.  
Brad: It's completely original.

I compose haikus for all my epic dumps.
Terry: I've heard that spring compressors are a rather effective way to kill yourself. [link]
Brad: Yeah, it turns out that when you're compressing a spring that's designed to hold up a quarter of a 3200lb car that the forces involved are . . . significant.  
Terry: I bet that's a sound you'll never forget, assuming you're not in the path of destruction.  
Brad: Seeing that kind of thing and surviving would probably result in you shitting your pants every time you saw a slinky.  
Terry: Big Man didn't want to eat his food with meds in them. I had to feed him and then give him his meds wrapped in cheese afterwards. Guess feeding him has become a two-phase operation. [link]
Amy: We'll see. You can put the cheese ball on top.  
Terry: It's like a cherry on top, but with narcotics!  
Terry: Kevin's been marching around today. More than usual. [link]
Brad: Marching?  
Terry: Yeah, he doesn't have durka legs, so he can actually march.  
Brad: At least it's symmetrical when you goose-step.  
Terry: Much like mom jokes, I firmly believe that humorously passive-aggressive checkin comments should be formally recognized by the National Endowment for the Arts. [link]
Terry: Sorry, fingers were doing one thing while I was thinking about something else.

...Which, after I think about it, is a fair description of most nights with your mom.
Terry: God help you if you fly out of Terminal 2 at CVG.

They clearly haven't done any work in there since the 1960s, 70s at the *latest*.

It's like the Smitty's Grocery Store of airports. It's the Airport that Time Forgot. It's Jurassic Airport.
Terry: Well, if the power goes out tonight, guess we can't record Deadliest Catch. [link]
Amy: You can't record something when the power's out?  
Terry: No, Amy, how can the thing work with no power?  
Amy: I don't know how DirecTV works! It could record on a chip up in space for all I know!  
Amy: I'm going to the farmers market so I can get eggs fresh from the chicken's ass. [link]
Terry: ...I wish I shat awesomeness.  
Terry: My last three meals consisted of that taco casserole, chicken tortilla soup, and creamy chicken and wild rice soup. I'm worried that I'm going to shit out one of the blocks in Stonehenge. [link]
Terry: Jesus, Amy. You become a client of the vet clinic and bring seven dogs. You give your surgeon three surgeries a year.

You're like a buffet for professionals.
Terry: I've so many meals consisting of beef stew leftovers in the last two days I feel the dump I just took should have been sponsored by Bushmills. [link]
Terry: Now that's the sign of a well-stocked fridge: when you have to move the container of home-made gravy out of the way to get to the one-pound package of shredded cheese. [link]
Terry: She's like a Tootsie-Pop! [link]
Chris T.: How many licks does it take?  
Brad: I'm going to get to the center of it... vaginally.  
Terry: If bowel movements could be compared to literary works, I think I just produced The Stand.

An extremely large, dense novel with strong overtones of good and evil.
Amy: I heard Snookie is pregnant. [link]
Terry: There's no way that kid is going to be carried to full-term.

That womb is made of cocaine and alcohol.
Terry: I won't be happy unless sometime Sunday I am forced to perform a maneuver I refer to as "rectal urination." [link]
Terry: Your mom is the swiss army knife of sexual gratification. [link]
Terry: I'm glad I managed to break the mental connection between the taste of Jimmy John's sandwiches and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, frustration, depression, with occasional hints of panic. [link]
Brad: ...Sounds like my last relationship.  
Brad: What should he have said? That [she] is a virtual planetoid? [link]
Terry: Hey, now, that's not a bad thing; it gives her weight to cry off.  
Terry: So far we've talked about working with wood and putting meat in my mouth.

Pretty typical Monday for me, sadly.
Terry: Have you seen that blog entry from Pen Test Partners about wardriving looking for bluetooth-enabled sex toys? [link]
Yost: I do not want remote code execution in my asshole.  
Brad: I do like the girl they got to play Ortega. [link]
Terry: I want to do severe organic damage to her pooner.  
Brad: I would real-death her cervix.  

Return to index

Copyright © 2005-2019 Terry D. Ott

Valid XHTML 1.0 Strict Valid CSS! [Valid RSS]