Memorable Quotes


This is an equal-opportunity quote page. By that I mean that I do my best to make fun of everyone (meaning both individuals and groups) equally.

In these quotes you're likely to find suggestions of sexism, racism, beastiality, prostitution, homosexuality, homophobia, foul language, alcoholism, various illegal acts, general bad taste, etc., etc., etc. Please try to keep in mind that these quotes were quite intentionally left without any of the relevant context as to the situation in which they were said.

As you read the following quotes, please keep in mind that just because I said something or found what someone else said humorous does NOT necessarily mean that I agree with it. I find "shock humor" to be a wonderful form of comedy. I am able to find some inherent humor in most of life, including situations that are entirely repugnant to my personal morality.

If you are at all unsure of your ability to maintain a sense of humor while reading these quotes, I would strongly encourage you to A) find your entertainment elsewhere; and B) chill out.

Quotes said by Brad

Brad: God DAMN it! Another null pointer. It seems like everything in my fucking LIFE is null these days. [link]
Terry: Great, now your sex life doesn't feel so lonely!  
Brad: I think James is in love with my TA. It was love at first bitch. [link]
Brad: She's like training wheels for my cock. [link]
Brad: Holy shit, Dan! I think that's the first girl we've walked by all day that you haven't insulted! [link]
Aiello: You know what the difference between marriage and dating is? When you're dating you only pay for sex on the nights you get laid. When you're married you pay EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. [link]
Brad: Yeah, I'm really finding this paying for sex thing is getting expensive.

*(At this point, Luda, one of Brad's female students, walks by and gives him a *very* weird look.)*
Brad: You thought he was a darkie, din'cha?!?!?!?!?!
(Brad's from the *DEEP* south)
Brad: A superhero that wears her panties on his head! He could call himself the Pelvic Avenger! [link]
Brad: GCC should stand for 'god-damned code catastrophe.'
*(Seriously, how do you explain a compiler optimization flag breaking traceroute?)*
Brad: You know, when you're up at 8 o'clock in the moron.... [link]
Brad: I'm going to be teaching this summer. [link]
Jacob H.: What are you teaching, Bitterness And Sarcasm?  
Brad: It's like you're a jizzmopper who took a week off! [link]
Brad: I went home and jerked off twice. Then I slept for two hours. I seem to be doing things in pairs today. [link]
Brad: On a scale from one to fag.... [link]
Brad: She is a lightning rod for my semen. [link]
Brad: It's the uber-aggressive garbage collector. We could call it the Fourth Reich Garbage Collector. The FRGC! [link]
Brad: (His) testicles are going to detonate like semen hand grenades. [link]
Brad: She'd drown in my Tsunami of Semen. [link]
Brad: There's beer, naked women, and sports. Why does anybody leave? [link]
Brad: That wasn't really a fart, it was more of a beta shit. [link]
Brad: We find when we teach this class it has a high degree of cock-jockery. [link]
Brad: Hit the cervex hard enough and they start spraying blood. It's fucking creepy. [link]
Terry: But you slept with him, so that's not surprising. [link]
Brad: He's black, I wouldn't have hit that.  
Brad: I find Kant kind of refreshing. [link]
Lee: (Honestly amazed look) Uhhh.... Refreshing?  
Brad: Don't worry, I've been called worse. Most people start at 'jackass' and proceed into the depths of profanity. [link]
Brad: My signature has a heart in it; chicks dig it. [link]
Terry: ...How misleading.  
Brad: (Professor's name deleted) is the terrorist of CS. We should buy him some jackboots with his initials engraved in them. [link]
Brad: I'm in a period of mourning -- for your GRADES! [link]
Brad: You know that chick on Weakest Link? She *used* to be an alcoholic.

Fucking quitter.
Brad: -- it's like Russian Roulette with a cock. [link]
Brad: It's like a smokescreen. ...A fag screen! [link]
Terry: Oh, man, I got so drunk last night. [link]
Brad: Well, you said that Evie became dead to you last night. ...So it was sort of her wake.  
Brad: What's so wrong with being a sociopath anyway? [link]
Brad: You should have gotten this in recitation. Who's your recitation instructor? [link]
Student: Frank.  
Brad: Oh, well maybe not then. He might have gotten all Teutonic on you.  
Brad: I've never met an asshole I didn't like. [link]
Spaf: I thought it might be bad, sitting in a room with a bunch of FBI guys and grading your exams. [link]
Brad: ...Especially with Terry's name on one of the papers.  
Brad: He wants to have his cake and eat cock too. [link]
Aiello: You stalker. [link]
Brad: I call it being thorough.  
Brad: Was your shit like a fecal firehose? [link]
Nolandda: That information is on a need-to-know basis; unless you are fucking me in the ass you don't need to know.  
Brad: I'd pound her like a nail into Jesus' hand! [link]
Brad: Baseball bats and sex jokes just go together. [link]
Brad: How do your nuts measure up on the Pepsi challenge? [link]
Brad: If you're gonna go down make sure she does too, if you know what I'm sayin' sayin'. [link]
Terry: My Simulator is kind of the Fuhrer of my program. [link]
Brad: Nice, the 'Fuhrer Design Pattern.'  
Brad: That thing adds like five gaypower. [link]
Lita: What's your girlfriend's name? [link]
Brad: Chrystal.  
Lita: No, I mean your 240 girlfriend.  
Brad: Penthouse: it's not porn if you can't see her kidneys. [link]
Brad: Cheating like that is practically fair. [link]
Brad: I was just flexing my technowang for you. [link]
Brad: (to himself) "I really need a blowjob tonight."


(to Terry) "...What are you doing tonight?"
Brad: When you think about it, your colon is really a priority queue. [link]
Brad: I'm pretty much a big fan of myself. [link]
Brad: Terry does a good Oliver Twist. [link]
Brad: Hey, there are some Republicans that believe in the Constitution. [link]
Brad: I don't know; I don't speak Crazy Bitch! [link]
Brad: Gay dice roll better. [link]
Brad: I call this one "Vaginal CPR." [link]
Brad: There's nothing like a little dick-drip. [link]
Brad: Arrogance is a defense mechanism in grad school. [link]
Brad: I love it when they bust out the organ. [link]
Brad: But it's all vaguely puke-colored. [link]
Brad: My liver's all, "Yeah, I'm getting up to my fightin' weight." [link]
Terry: Brad, you want some veggies? [link]
Brad: NO!  
Yost: Yeah, that's room you could fill with beer.  
Terry: You don't like Pink Floyd? [link]
Brad: No, it's totally gay.  
Terry: Pink Floyd is NOT gay.  
Yost: Only because they didn't know what gay WAS back then.  
Brad: Why is my taco wet? [link]
Brad: I want my food so hot that it burns my nut hair off when my shit hits the bowl. [link]
Brad: (to Yost) You got tarred with the fag-brush. [link]
Nolandda: Don't let Brad tell the story. He leaves out salient bits. [link]
Brad: Like what?  
Nolandda: The middle of the story.  
Brad: Beer. It's like flowers for boys. [link]
Brad: You might be an alcoholic when you wonder which beer would taste best with toothpaste. [link]
Brad: My dick might be hanging out. This is just a friendly warning. [link]
Brad: She's like a jizz chipmunk. [link]
Brad: That's like getting fucked in the ass with a fire hydrant instead of a fire truck. [link]
Brad: This laptop is warm, like Harry Potter's ass. [link]
Brad: So I wrote my little translator today. [link]
Yost: What, the translator that changes Andrew's code into working code?  
Brad: I'm going to take my shirt off before I go out there.


Brad: Dude, you landed on Mr. Driller. [link]
Brad: (parodying his mother) This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. [link]
Brad: Bitch, that belt stings!  
Brad: Especially when I told them it was pretty much unsupervised.

It was fun. I felt like Himmler.
Brad: It's getting fixed.

Or there are people growing new orifices. I call them "bullet holes."
Terry: Did you see the Colorado-Detroit game yesterday? [link]
Brad: Yep. Watched it in the strip club.

Strippers were trying to talk to me, and I was like "Huh? Yeah, you're great. I love you. Aebischer WHAT THE FUCK!"
Brad: God-damned assclowns. [link]
Dulaney: Why do they call them assclowns?  
Brad: They call them assclowns because they clown around with people's asses. You know, unsupervised rectal horseplay.  
Brad: [Avril] actually appears in glasses in the liner notes for her album. [link]
Terry: I've never actually felt sorry for an album cover before this moment....  
Brad: I managed to get a nice dollop of piss on the top of my specimen container for my drug test. Enjoy, fuckers.

Of course, I _did_ piss all over my hand. I think it was worth it.
Brad: I just hate browsing the wine section. They need to impose some kind of ordering. Like the Library of Congress system, but with wine. [link]
Brad: You left out the fact that they were pounding your ass with the fat end of a baseball bat, though. [link]
Terry: Fat cocks are in the same equivalence partition as baseball bats (in my book).  
Brad: But you can't dip fat cocks in epoxy and broken glass.  
Terry: You're on fire. The gay kind of flaming, to be sure, but it's fire nonetheless. [link]
Brad: Hey, fire is fire.  
Brad: Platonic friend? More like tectonic, 'cause the Earth's gonna move if you know what I'm sayin'-sayin'. [link]
Terry: Try not to dehydrate yourself with orgasms. [link]
Brad: There are plenty where that came from. It's like a Gatling Cock.  
(Name Withheld): Bowel emergency must run. [link]
Brad: Heh, hour of power on the toilet  
(Name Withheld): Like 10 seconds. I'll probably achieve liftoff though. Every action has an equal....  
Brad: Thank you, Werner von Colon.  
Brad: The Grumpy Chinese Man brand chili oil should have a warning label on it that says, "Thou shalt have a seat belt installed on thy toilet." [link]
Nolandda: ...How do you know it doesn't?  
Terry: Did you see the quote where Yost claimed I needed a Dead Bitches Storage Facility?

...I wonder if we could use Yucca Mountain.
Brad: There are very few things better than a dead bitch. One thing that is better is a dead bitch that GLOWS.  
Brad: Well, that's what you get when you masturbate with a basketball.

Yeah, she's a real Hoosier.
Terry: BTW, by that going rate you owe me about $50,000 or so.


Multiplier is broken. $5,000 or so.
Brad: So that's how you get away with telling girls your dick is so big. Your multiplier is broken.  
Brad: Did you know this shit is bananas? B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Gwen Stefani murdered my head.
Brad: What are we doing for dinner tonight? [link]
Terry: I thought that we might barbeque your mom.  
Brad: Well, there would be a lot of tar involved; she has been smoking a pack and a half a day for years now.  
Brad: It's like clubbing a baby seal, but with your dick. [link]
Brad: I'd have to put her labia in traction. [link]
Sara: She's kinda cute. Looks like she's got a little scoliosis maybe. [link]
Brad: Yeah, I'd straighten her out.  
Terry: I have pictures of her, actually. [link]
Brad: Are they aerial?  
Brad: You should get some of those kneepads like people that lay carpet wear. [link]
Terry: Well, I lay more pipe than carpet, so....  
Brad: For the record, it's not called "laying pipe" when the pipe is inside you.
Brad: You're socialist clown. [link]
Terry: That almost English.  
Eric B.: What's with the Bed, Bath & Beyond flier in the bathroom? [link]
Terry: You know, it's hard to take that shit from you, E.B.  
Brad: Look at your shoes, dude. They've got fucking BUCKLES on them. It's like gay velcro.  
Terry: What kind of beans do you put in my mom? [link]
Brad: I call them "gametes."  
Terry: Dude, you go to the *grocery store* to see hot chicks. [link]
Brad: That's more of a sperm of the moment thing though.  
David L.: You don't want to get your ass kicked by a she-male. [link]
Brad: Yeah, I don't want to get in any tranny trouble.  
Terry: Do you not like the look of the Audi TT? Could meet your needs. [link]
Brad: It's girly.  
Terry: This from a guy who is proud he owned a Miata. Jesus.  
Brad: I know that when you say "No" you can still take a couple more inches. [link]
Brad: Yeah, buy that! It teaches the kids about math... and hating people! [link]
Brad: Ehh, set him on fire.

That makes people talkative.
Brad: So the doctor's pressing on my prostate and I'm like, "What are you doing, checking for my serial number by feel?" [link]
Terry: Dude, he was looking for your VIN.  
Brad: That's not where it's hidden.  
Brad: Ugh. One time I touched my dick hole after preparing chili. Dude, ze pain.

It was like a blitzkrieg in my penis.
Terry: Is he taking down the Internet in SF, or the entire Internet? [link]
Brad: Heh. I think he's taking down the entire Internet.  
Terry: Someone should warn Spaf. That's going to cost us like a million-billion SpafBucks in lost productivity.  
Brad: Yeah, he's going to need a 64-bit machine to figure out how much it cost us.  
Brad: Have you ever seen a real, honest-to-god grease fire? It's great! [link]
Nolandda: This must be some new definition of "great" that I'm unfamiliar with.  
Brad: You burned down your high school and you're telling me fire's not great!?!?!?!  
Brad: She looks like the kinda bitch that would just sprout a dick. [link]
Brad: I'm incredibly passionate about comic books.


This may be part of the reason I'm single right now.
Brad: I'd hit her like the fist of an angry god.

(Brad says "some guy" on Fark deserves credit for this quote.)
Brad: I don't know if it has goo in it, I can't get deep enough in to tell. [link]
Brad: Are you taking a handgun on your trip to Texas? [link]
Terry: Uhhh, no. Why?  
Nolandda: I think it's the law.  
Brad: You have to cook to get a bitch.... I mean woman. [link]
Brad: As far as I know, I'm currently responsible for zero children. [link]
Constantine: I told you, chicks like guys who are assholes. [link]
Brad: Dude, if that were true, I'd be drowning in vaginal secretions.  
Nolandda: ...Well, the bottom of the sack dropped out but everything's fine. [link]
Brad: Wait, didn't the same thing happen to you?  
Brad: Man, if I'd been there when [Steve Irwin] dropped that snake, I'd have run like a Kenyan. [link]
Brad: If you fuck a 180 student you can be brought up on charges. You know, because it's illegal to fuck retards. [link]
Terry: Brad, you could have the Walkabout Soup. [link]
Brad: I dunno, does it have stingray in it?  
Brad: But he *does* look like the kind of guy who would wear women's underwear. [link]
Constantine: Why don't they put a really big fat guy in as the goalie? [link]
Brad: God damn it, Constantine. I'll show you that "bottle" can be a verb.  
Jeff: Should I bring a collapsable chair? [link]
Brad: Your mom's a collapsable chair.

...What does that even /mean/?
Joe: But she's not wearing pants! [link]
Brad: Yes she is!  
Joe: But they don't go up to her ass!  
Brad: Yes Joe, they're the GOOD kind of pants.  
Terry: The world needs more women like Liz. [link]
Brad: Can she dislocate her hips, too?  
Terry: Either she's criminally retarded or she's hitting on me. [link]
Brad: You phrased that as an either-or. It could very well be both.

Actually, in your case, the first is a requirement for the second.
Liz: Boys like herpes? [link]
Brad: I prefer hepatitis, it's tangy.  
Brad: That guy who cut off his girlfriend's finger on accident? A guy told him he might want to start sleeping on his stomach. [link]
Jeff: That protects one area, but she can still carve out a slab of bacon.  
Brad: Hey, better bacon than sausage.  
Brad: I've laid a couple of football fields' worth of cock in your mom. [link]
Terry: What, is this your own personal run to the Superbowl?  
Brad: Indeed. My record is 14-1. There was a poopy incident. My only loss, sadly.

Let's just say that your mom sometimes plays for the Cleveland Browns.
Terry: Let me guess: the field was a bit muddy?  
Brad: So you know that black stuff they make Harrison Ford drink in Temple of Doom? You now know what my poop looked like this morning.

It's the first time I've taken a dump that slithered out, like it had its own will and intellect.
Brad: I have this morbid fear of farting while some chick is blowing me. Come on, an orgasm is a full body tense, and there are times during my rigorous schedule of self-love that I've cranked one out while cumming. [link]
Brad: I'm going to be high-steppin' through the snow like I'm runnin' from police dogs. [link]
Brad: Sorry Terry, you can't ride with me; my nuts are riding shotgun. [link]
Brad: Whatever, dude, you got a blowjob from your sister. [link]
Castor: No, Brad, I don't HAVE a sister.

It was my step-cousin. There was no blood relation.
Terry: Man, Mike D. totally got his wife pregnant. [link]
Brad: How'd that happen? I thought he ejaculated bong resin.  
Terry: While it was significant, [that] was not the most expensive part of our relationship. [link]
Brad: Antibiotics?  
Lint: I'm drinking a Riesling. It's called Relax. [link]
Jared: Is it relaxing?  
Lint: I'm fuckin' relaxed.  
Brad: The thing is, though, Jim Beam can have the same effect.  
Lint: Yes he can. But it's a different denomination. If I finish this bottle of wine, I'll still be able to hold my bowels.  
Brad: [She] is like Pokemon with VD... Gotta catch 'em all! [link]
Brad: How did the [spicy vodka tomato cream] sauce turn out? [link]
Terry: Really, really tasty. But it's unbelievably heavy. I haven't feel this bloated after a meal in some time. You need to watch your portion sizes with this dish.  
Brad: Wow, how much of it did you eat?  
Terry: I'll show you a picture of it once I'm done with it.  
Brad: If you take a picture of your next dump and send it to me, I'm going to shit on your desk.  
Brad: (to Liz) Well, honey, if you're going to cuckold me, I at least want to profit from it. [link]
Terry: You know, you could be more proactive in this; you could pimp her out.  
Brad: I don't want her to think she's *worth* anything.  
Brad: So yeah. You know how in Sid Meier's Civilization you can have a treaty with someone and they can launch a sneak attack?

Well, General Corn and Admiral Blackbean formed some kind of junta and staged an attack on the peaceful people of Toiletwateristan.

I'm sure the events of this day will eventually be known as The Colonic Uprising.
Terry: I can't imagine any job worse than being a high school teacher. [link]
Brad: I'd do it, but only for the chicks.  
Terry: You should teach elementary school, Brad. That way you're less likely of the girl turning up pregnant.  
Lint: My explanation is simpler than that: it's fat wrapped around flour. [link]
Brad: ...I think I dated that.  
Brad: Ehh, I'm so far from even commenting on [that] that I can't even . . . shit . . . this whole thing kind of fell apart on me. [link]
Terry: This aborted sentence brought to you by the letter "J."  
Brad: Yeah, that sentence slipped into the abort-o-tron.  
Terry: If only Jamie Lynn Spears had been so lucky.  
Brad: What, you got scales on your jimminy cricket? [link]
Terry: And gills. It totally freaks the ladies out.

Cock-breathing. I can see that as an evolutionary step.

Maybe I'm an X-Man.
Brad: When life gives you shit... make shit-ade. [link]
Brad: Add a pork chop to English and you get a lot of glottal stops. [link]
Terry: Nice attempt at English there, Brad. [link]
Brad: Yeah, I was having trouble kicking the words out the word hole.  
Brad: A shotgun is an excellent mute button. [link]
Brad: Stygian mass falls
Tranquil waters now disturbed
Brown mountain stands proud
Terry: Please tell me that's not an original haiku about poop.  
Brad: It's completely original.

I compose haikus for all my epic dumps.
Terry: I've heard that spring compressors are a rather effective way to kill yourself. [link]
Brad: Yeah, it turns out that when you're compressing a spring that's designed to hold up a quarter of a 3200lb car that the forces involved are . . . significant.  
Terry: I bet that's a sound you'll never forget, assuming you're not in the path of destruction.  
Brad: Seeing that kind of thing and surviving would probably result in you shitting your pants every time you saw a slinky.  
Terry: Kevin's been marching around today. More than usual. [link]
Brad: Marching?  
Terry: Yeah, he doesn't have durka legs, so he can actually march.  
Brad: At least it's symmetrical when you goose-step.  
Brad: If dung beetles had seen the dump I just took, they would have made me their king. [link]
Brad: The dump I just took is going on my PAS.

It was the kind of bowel movement that could end a marriage.
Brad: I generally care less about things these days. [link]
Brad: Being on overhead right now is a good way to catch an acute case of free time. [link]
Brad: Herpes, much like diamonds, are forever. [link]
Brad: She's like a Care Bear, except her Care Bear Stare is vomiting through her belly button. [link]
Brad: Fat girls give better blowjobs because they be hungry. [link]
Brad: It's a huge watch.

Like you could put it in a sock and beat someone to death with it.
Terry: She's like a Tootsie-Pop! [link]
Chris T.: How many licks does it take?  
Brad: I'm going to get to the center of it... vaginally.  
Brad: It's a good thing that none of that dessert dropped onto my dick, because I would have snapped my damn neck trying to suck myself off. [link]
Brad: I can only get off when a girl goes Chun-Li on my nuts. [link]
Brad: That burrito is treating me like Somalians treat Army Rangers. [link]
Terry: I'm glad I managed to break the mental connection between the taste of Jimmy John's sandwiches and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, frustration, depression, with occasional hints of panic. [link]
Brad: ...Sounds like my last relationship.  
Brad: What should he have said? That [she] is a virtual planetoid? [link]
Terry: Hey, now, that's not a bad thing; it gives her weight to cry off.  
Brad: I do like the girl they got to play Ortega. [link]
Terry: I want to do severe organic damage to her pooner.  
Brad: I would real-death her cervix.  

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